Growing up like many children, I read the fairy stories and had them read to me. The Princess meets the handsome Prince and they live happily ever after! Then I grew up and found out that wasn’t true, did the fairy stories get it wrong! Did this have more to do with me or was it that I was just unlucky.
After my divorce I went away and took time out for a while. It was during this time I had a chance to look back over my life. I realized that for a long time I’d been on a relationship roundabout, going round and round! The end of marriage threw me off with one almighty thud! I’d hit rock bottom in life and the only way was up! Had I been unlucky in love all my life? Was it my fault? Was the breakdown of my marriage my fault? The answer was yes. Okay, I didn’t set up any affairs but I chose someone who like me, had their own issues to deal with. Two people dealing with their own issues and then having to deal with issues together, is bound to result in something giving, for me that was my marriage. I look back now and although I accept the reasons why things happened, it doesn’t mean that I agree with the actions. The ability to forgive, draw a line and move on has helped me.
We all attract like people, so if someone is confident and happy they will attract someone who is confident and happy. If someone is troubled then you’ll attract someone who’s also troubled. It’s a pattern I’ve observed often in the last sixteen years. There have been times when I’ve been able to predict the outcome of friends relationships but friends have chosen not to listen, to their cost! People with ‘baggage’ who then come together only have more baggage! It’s like going on holiday with one suitcase and then coming back dragging six through customs, they might questions why you have so many bags on your return trip. So why choose more bags in a relationship? Is this right?
Someone said to me recently that this is “just what people do, they divert from dealing with their own issues and they deal with the issues of others”. Does this mean they believe they can save the other person. This reminds me of the phrase “you can lead a horse but you can’t make it drink it”. We do not have the power to change others but we do have the capacity to help, encourage and support one another.
We’ve all heard that we must ‘get our own house in order!’ What does this mean in relationships? I think the best way to think about it is through this analogy:
You want to wallpaper a wall, you find cracks and blemishes. What do you do? Do you just wallpaper over the cracks or do you go out buy filler and spend time filling them all in. If you wallpaper over the cracks, in time they reappear and you’re redecorating again and more likely this time there’s more problems! If you fill in the cracks you have a smooth surface and it’s likely that it’ll be much longer before you need to wallpaper, unless you choose to.
So how does this relate to our relationships? Too often I see people jumping from one relationship to another, never giving themselves time out to repair their cracks. What they don’t see is they are building each of their relationships on sand or shallow foundations. Any building like any relationship needs a firm and solid foundation, otherwise ‘there may be trouble ahead!’ No moonlight, roses, love and romance!
I’ve observed that sometimes having a partner is like an accessory, the thinking seems to be “my friend has one so I’ve got to have one!”Then they wonder why it fails or falls apart! People in this position seem to think that having a partner is going to make them happy. Expecting someone else to make you happy, is setting them up to fail! The foundation is failure and building on failure can we only expect disaster! My Nan used to say same rubbish different person! Well not exactly in those words! She was right!
I asked my Nan once what were the ingredients to a successful relationship she said: Friendship, Attraction, Shared interests, Humour and Patience. However, she warned just having the ingredients does not produce a successful cake. Getting a cake right takes lots of work and practice.
After my divorce I decided to take time out and concentrate on myself and my children. Sixteen years later I’m happy and proud to have been on my own. Who knows what will happen in the future, I may find that certain someone and maybe I won’t but whatever happens, I’m happy!
This blog was written as part of the I Am Woman blogging challenge.
alisoncrossjones 
Another great article. I am loving your writing and insight. It’s a pleasure to read them. And your nan is soooo right!
This is really interesting for me. It’s funny, because I had such a “life is not a fairytale” moment (ok few years) that I ended up overcompensating and not seeking someone who really fit me at all. I felt like I was expecting too much, so just kind of “settled”. It led me to marrying the wrong person and I got divorced shortly after. So I think it’s a delicate balance of knowing that everything won’t be perfect, and that you have to fix those cracks, as you say, but also that you should not settle for a situation that doesn’t truly make you happy. As baggage goes, i’ve learned that it’s ok to have it, because I think every adult has it in one form or another (ie past relationships, sensitive points, etc), but you need to find someone who can understand and accept yours without it being a negative influence on the relationship. Great post!!
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